Alexandra Petri

Not unlike a Supreme Court justice, I have previously hallucinated that the Founders were offering me their insight into the present moment, and I will probably do it again.

My fellow Americans: When you pay taxes, which would you rather support? Cancer research, or getting one guy a really big boat? Don’t answer that. We have answered it for you, with the Big, Beautiful Bill.
We took one look at the economy and said, “All of these people can barely afford rent! Why, they might work a hundred years and never be able to buy a yacht! They will get married at city hall and have their receptions in a park. None of them will rent out the entire city of Venice.

Pete Hegseth here.
Wow.
Wow.
I’ve called you members of the Fake News together for this special meeting because I can’t believe you could have gotten it so wrong.
I am personally ashamed of you. You are the reason that people are saying that the mission “only set back Iran’s nuclear program for months” and “was not an unmitigated success.” Did you not hear the president? The target was OBLITERATED. Stop acting like something can’t be obliterated for months.

“I want to just thank everybody, and in particular, God. We love you, God.”
— Donald Trump, announcing strikes on Iran
Hi. It’s Me, God.
I know what you’re thinking: I always imagined that if God existed, and cared about one thing, it would be peace.

This is an edition of The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here.

Dear Diary,
I did NOT have the birthday of my dreams last weekend! Everyone knows that 79 is the tank birthday. One is paper, 77 is emoluments, 78 you get to destroy one constitutional amendment of your choosing, 80 you get to become the state, but 79 is tanks, and I was so looking forward to my tank birthday.
I thought it was pretty clear what I wanted.