Today's Liberal News

Aldous J Pennyfarthing

Ouch. Even Fox’s talking knuckleheads looked stunned by Cassidy Hutchinson’s Jan. 6 testimony

Well, that was some testimony, huh? Where does Trump go from here, other than further down the road to ignominy? Or maybe he can hop a ride to Antarctica on Hitler’s submarine. I really don’t care, so long as there’s enough Enviromental Protection Agency superfund money left to hoover his Arby’s meat sweats and loser stink lines out of our nation’s delicate moral fabric.

But never mind me.

MTG touts climate change ‘benefits’ while bizarrely claiming no one can see Jan. 6 video footage

You may not have heard of Right Side Broadcasting Network, and if that’s the case—congratulations! You live a rich, full life unadulterated by brain weevils. Obviously, you’re not part of the network’s target demographic, which appears to consist almost entirely of Scott Baio getting shambolically drunk on Boone’s Farm.

But what the network lacks in gravitas it more than makes up for in goofy-ass displays of meretricious nonsense.

Conservative National Review editor to Jan. 6 committee: ‘Leave Ivanka alone!’

If you want to understand Donald Trump’s mindset in the weeks leading up to Jan. 6, it’s crucial to get a clear picture of the information ecosystem he was part of at the time. It’s not like the insurrection spontaneously erupted out of a singularity in the void. As much as it may have looked spontaneous, it wasn’t simply a case of “then one day Trump besmirched his Underoos and up from the ground come a bumblin’ coup.

House Democrats are investigating foreign gifts that apparently went ‘missing’ under Trump’s watch

It’s looking increasingly like Donald Trump illegally made off with a bunch of foreign gifts without notifying anyone. Why? Because he’s Donald Effing Trump, you naif.

It’s unlikely Trump wanted to be president just so he could steal stuff when he left, but he had to see that as a perk—and without question, it was inevitable. If he’d worked at Chuck E. Cheese, he would have stolen an animatronic banjo-playing bear.

Ingraham exposes the real cause of mass shootings: It’s not the guns, silly liberal, it’s the weed!

On Tuesday’s Ingraham Angle, host Laura Ingraham trotted out one of the Fox News audience’s fave golden oldies: Reefer Madness, baby!

One can imagine your typical Fox News viewer watching the segment late into the night, leering in the direction of his sixth Busch Light with something approaching feral concupiscence. The bleary outline of blonde American banshee Laura Ingraham fires up his once-languorous rods and cones.

“Shut up.

Kooky MAGA tour starring Roger Stone and Mike Flynn inspires fierce pushback in upstate New York

The best way to picture the ReAwaken America Tour is as a sort of flat-Earth conference for political junkies. The second-best way is to get one of those Ronco inside-the-shell egg scramblers, attach it to your skull, adjust the setting to “Don Jr.,” and commence pureeing your brain until Mike Flynn, Roger Stone, and Mike Lindell appear in your mind’s eye, screaming bilious nonsense about the “stolen” 2020 election.

Pillow Man thinks 2022 Georgia GOP primaries were also rigged, because results were bad for Trump

Crack reporter Mike Lindell has gotten to the bottom of yet another election conspiracy, folks, and it’s eerily similar to the old conspiracy! Georgia—which, not for nothing, recounted every single 2020 presidential paper ballot by hand—has apparently cheated Lindell’s messiah, Donald Trump, once again—this time by illegally handing some of his endorsees an embarrassing (to Trump, anyway) loss.

CPAC travels to Hungary to fete the Trump of Europe, authoritarian leader Viktor Orban

Remember the old days, when Democrats and Republicans argued over trivialities, like the capital gains tax and Michael Dukakis’ tank helmet, not whether democracy was a good idea? Look where we are now. Democrats, as always, have been full-throated in defense of Western liberal democracy, whereas Republicans have been making Magi-like treks to Hungary to quaff from the cold, clear, invigorating wellspring of Viktor Orban-style authoritarianism.

Ted Cruz claims pro-Roe protesters worse than insurrectionists who ‘peacefully’ protested on Jan. 6

Fake outrage is kind of Texas Sen. Ted Cruz’s bag, and if you have the sense God gave a Gosar, you might even think he’s good at it. Gaslighting and projection are Republicans’ go-to answers to every controversy these days, and they’re now furiously spinning reality to make it appear as if the current protests outside SCOTUS justices’ homes—and the “appalling” leak of a draft decision ending Roe v.

Former defense secretary: Trump wanted to fire missiles into Mexico and pretend someone else did it

As bad as Donald Trump’s presidency was, rest assured it could have been way, way worse. And believe me, I get how bad it was. On its best days, it was like a happy-ending massage from Edward Scissorhands. On its worst days, it was like a shiatsu massage from Edward’s younger brother, Larry Used-Heroin-Needle Thumbs.

And yet some people still think he could—and/or should—be president again. Yeah, him. The scamp who attempted to 86 Western democracy.

China is not pitching in on Putin’s war, and Biden administration pressure may be part of the reason

Despite Donald Trump’s early assurances that he beat Chiiiii-na all the time, one of his favorite pastimes as president was losing to the country—while encouraging its worst excesses. 

Trump made a big show of acting tough toward China—imposing tariffs that succeeded in punishing our own citizens far more than Xi Jinping’s—but he ultimately lost his trade war, and rather decisively at that.

GOP senators demand parental warnings for shows featuring LGBTQ characters

There’s a scene in the Bible where Lot offers up his daughters to be raped by a mob in order to protect two angels he’d invited into his home. Turns out the rapists had actually wanted to rape the angels, but Lot decided that would be be gauche, since they were invited guests. So, yeah—he offered the raping rabble his daughters. And Lot explicitly sweetened the deal by revealing that his daughters were both virgins.

Satan’s flag might fly outside Boston’s city hall after SCOTUS ruling backing Christian group

With all the hullabaloo over Associate Justice Samuel Alito’s leaked draft opinion reducing any American with a uterus to an involuntary fetus decanter, another Jesus-adjacent SCOTUS decision flew under the radar on Monday. 

The high court ruled that the city of Boston violated the First Amendment rights of a group that wanted to raise a Christian flag outside city hall as part of a program that welcomed various emblems in celebration of civic pride.

Trump’s ‘parade of supplicants’ advised to woo the ocher ape with big fonts and color photos

I’m trying to think of anything more undignified than sucking up to colossal loser Donald Trump after everything that’s happened in the past few years—telling him he won elections he lost, groveling for his endorsement, buying overpriced tchotchkes at his cult compound/golf resort, and pretending you’re not staring directly into the sallow, rheumy eyes of primordial evil.

I wouldn’t hire Trump to manage a Chuck E.