Donald Trump is like an old Chucky doll you threw in a dumpster years ago while packing for a move across the country—and then one day, out of nowhere, he shows up in the seat behind you during your morning bus commute.
Well, that was some testimony, huh? Where does Trump go from here, other than further down the road to ignominy? Or maybe he can hop a ride to Antarctica on Hitler’s submarine. I really don’t care, so long as there’s enough Enviromental Protection Agency superfund money left to hoover his Arby’s meat sweats and loser stink lines out of our nation’s delicate moral fabric.
But never mind me.
The standard operating procedure for Republicans seeking statewide office is to move as far to the MAGA right as possible during the primaries and then moderate as much as they plausibly can for the general. It’s what Dr. Oz is doing in Pennsylvania, and it’s presumably what any Republican will do during the upcoming campaign for U.S. Senate in Missouri.
Donald Trump’s final day as a political force will come eventually—with the heat death of the universe, if nothing else. Right now, Fulton County, Georgia, District Attorney Fani Willis is racing against the House Jan.
As with all writing, the secret to crafting an effective standup routine is to write what you know. Sadly, Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert doesn’t know much about anything, so she’s forced to hope that asking the infinitely compassionate, eternally beneficent God of the universe to kill the president is somehow funny.
The Jan. 6 hearings have given us a treasure trove of new revelations, and even those of us who’ve closely followed Donald Trump’s increasingly flailing attempts to pound a big, square loser peg into a round non-jerk-face hole have learned some things.
You may not have heard of Right Side Broadcasting Network, and if that’s the case—congratulations! You live a rich, full life unadulterated by brain weevils. Obviously, you’re not part of the network’s target demographic, which appears to consist almost entirely of Scott Baio getting shambolically drunk on Boone’s Farm.
But what the network lacks in gravitas it more than makes up for in goofy-ass displays of meretricious nonsense.
If you want to understand Donald Trump’s mindset in the weeks leading up to Jan. 6, it’s crucial to get a clear picture of the information ecosystem he was part of at the time. It’s not like the insurrection spontaneously erupted out of a singularity in the void. As much as it may have looked spontaneous, it wasn’t simply a case of “then one day Trump besmirched his Underoos and up from the ground come a bumblin’ coup.
In case you’re still waiting for your Right-wing Logic Decoder Ring from Ovaltine, you should know that the latest existential threat to the republic is—wait for it—drag queens!
It’s looking increasingly like Donald Trump illegally made off with a bunch of foreign gifts without notifying anyone. Why? Because he’s Donald Effing Trump, you naif.
It’s unlikely Trump wanted to be president just so he could steal stuff when he left, but he had to see that as a perk—and without question, it was inevitable. If he’d worked at Chuck E. Cheese, he would have stolen an animatronic banjo-playing bear.
Whenever we experience one of those mass shootings that, for some reason, only ever seem to happen in this country, the gun fetishists trot out the fact that large American municipalities with strict gun control laws often have high rates of gun fatalities.
Texas Gov.
On Tuesday’s Ingraham Angle, host Laura Ingraham trotted out one of the Fox News audience’s fave golden oldies: Reefer Madness, baby!
One can imagine your typical Fox News viewer watching the segment late into the night, leering in the direction of his sixth Busch Light with something approaching feral concupiscence. The bleary outline of blonde American banshee Laura Ingraham fires up his once-languorous rods and cones.
“Shut up.
Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has a choice few other Americans ever face. He can either help make the country safer for everyone, or he can continue to make it safer for Ted Cruz. Gee, which option do you think he’ll choose? Honestly, if he picks the former, I’ll eat my “I Ate the Worm at the Congo Bar in Cancún While Texas Families Froze 2021” bucket hat.
The best way to picture the ReAwaken America Tour is as a sort of flat-Earth conference for political junkies. The second-best way is to get one of those Ronco inside-the-shell egg scramblers, attach it to your skull, adjust the setting to “Don Jr.,” and commence pureeing your brain until Mike Flynn, Roger Stone, and Mike Lindell appear in your mind’s eye, screaming bilious nonsense about the “stolen” 2020 election.
Crack reporter Mike Lindell has gotten to the bottom of yet another election conspiracy, folks, and it’s eerily similar to the old conspiracy! Georgia—which, not for nothing, recounted every single 2020 presidential paper ballot by hand—has apparently cheated Lindell’s messiah, Donald Trump, once again—this time by illegally handing some of his endorsees an embarrassing (to Trump, anyway) loss.
If all Alex Jones ever did was rant about gay frogs and weather machines and gay weather machines disrupting all the righteous hurricanes Yahweh sends to places like South Beach, Miami, he’d be (at worst) a noxious sideshow.
Remember the old days, when Democrats and Republicans argued over trivialities, like the capital gains tax and Michael Dukakis’ tank helmet, not whether democracy was a good idea? Look where we are now. Democrats, as always, have been full-throated in defense of Western liberal democracy, whereas Republicans have been making Magi-like treks to Hungary to quaff from the cold, clear, invigorating wellspring of Viktor Orban-style authoritarianism.
When conservatives’ racist dog whistles prompt certain dogs to go on killing rampages—as happened over the weekend in Buffalo—folks like Sen. Ron Johnson are only too happy to exploit their dim-bulb reputations in order to scurry away from controversies of their own making.
Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert has a unique plan for addressing our nation’s outsized child care crisis. (Of course, by “outsized child care crisis,” I mean that our country is a laggard when it comes to providing adequate child care benefits, not that we’ve been forced to care about an outsized child, though that’s also definitely true.
In the wake of the Jan. 6 insurrection, after briefly acknowledging that Emperor Pulp-itine (Latin designation: Circus Peanutus) had no clothes, Sen. Lindsey Graham has been doing what otherwise might be seen as a public service: furiously fig-leafing the ocher oaf’s irriguous dingly bits 24/7.
Michael Flynn served in the Trump administration for approximately as long as it takes Donald Trump’s languorous, M.C. Escher-like grotesquerie of a colon to pass a Happy Meal. He was our country’s national security adviser for about three weeks in early 2017, during which time he did his level best to make Vladimir Putin’s dewiest wet dreams come true.
Fake outrage is kind of Texas Sen. Ted Cruz’s bag, and if you have the sense God gave a Gosar, you might even think he’s good at it. Gaslighting and projection are Republicans’ go-to answers to every controversy these days, and they’re now furiously spinning reality to make it appear as if the current protests outside SCOTUS justices’ homes—and the “appalling” leak of a draft decision ending Roe v.
As bad as Donald Trump’s presidency was, rest assured it could have been way, way worse. And believe me, I get how bad it was. On its best days, it was like a happy-ending massage from Edward Scissorhands. On its worst days, it was like a shiatsu massage from Edward’s younger brother, Larry Used-Heroin-Needle Thumbs.
And yet some people still think he could—and/or should—be president again. Yeah, him. The scamp who attempted to 86 Western democracy.
Despite Donald Trump’s early assurances that he beat Chiiiii-na all the time, one of his favorite pastimes as president was losing to the country—while encouraging its worst excesses.
Trump made a big show of acting tough toward China—imposing tariffs that succeeded in punishing our own citizens far more than Xi Jinping’s—but he ultimately lost his trade war, and rather decisively at that.
There’s a scene in the Bible where Lot offers up his daughters to be raped by a mob in order to protect two angels he’d invited into his home. Turns out the rapists had actually wanted to rape the angels, but Lot decided that would be be gauche, since they were invited guests. So, yeah—he offered the raping rabble his daughters. And Lot explicitly sweetened the deal by revealing that his daughters were both virgins.
With all the hullabaloo over Associate Justice Samuel Alito’s leaked draft opinion reducing any American with a uterus to an involuntary fetus decanter, another Jesus-adjacent SCOTUS decision flew under the radar on Monday.
The high court ruled that the city of Boston violated the First Amendment rights of a group that wanted to raise a Christian flag outside city hall as part of a program that welcomed various emblems in celebration of civic pride.
The entire Republican brand has been built on a wobbly foundation of vile lies and exaggerations. It has to be.
We now know that Senate Minority Bleater Mitch McConnell was “exhilarated” after Jan. 6 because he thought the events of the day had finally discredited Donald Trump.
Do you think maybe Democrats could make political hay out of the fact that Russia’s Putin-controlled media wants to return Donald Trump—to whom congressional Republicans have more or less permanently Human Centipeded themselves—to his porcelain palace throne?
So there’s this guy Putin, see?
I’m trying to think of anything more undignified than sucking up to colossal loser Donald Trump after everything that’s happened in the past few years—telling him he won elections he lost, groveling for his endorsement, buying overpriced tchotchkes at his cult compound/golf resort, and pretending you’re not staring directly into the sallow, rheumy eyes of primordial evil.
I wouldn’t hire Trump to manage a Chuck E.